A couple of weeks ago I dropped my son off at Kindy. It wasn’t much of an ordeal for either of us. This was my third time sending one of my kids off to school – so really, I’m a pro at this.
Matthew had been at the same school for a few days a week the previous two years for pre-prep and prep. He was getting a new teacher for the first time in two years, and would now be in the big-kids section of school – which still made him nervous since that was new. But he didn’t have to worry about changing environments completely. And most of his classmates were continuing at the school as well.
So he was pretty chill, despite having protested most of the summer holidays that he didn’t want to go to kindy. Credit to big sis Zenae who managed to get him excited for kindy just a couple of days before he started.
I, on the other hand, had just come out of 53 days of school holidays (yes, I’d counted) with all three kids home. We’d had fun and relaxed for most of the time – but by mid-January you start to feel that itch to get back into routine. I was totally there, and my mind was focused on getting back into the office and getting on with the new year.
I waved the big girls off at the gate and walked Matthew into school. We met his teacher and hang around a bit while some of his friends started showing up. And then I said to him, “Are you okay? Mum will go now?” He said yes, I gave him a hug, and then headed toward the gate.
“Mummy!” he ran after me and my heart twinged thinking, “Oh no, he’s going to get upset after all!” He was a touch emotional, but all he really wanted were a few more “kissy-kisses”. Then he was fine and he ran off to play. And I kept marching toward the gates, my mind ticking off all the things I was going to get done today.
Then the unexpected happened. I was half-way to my car when I started to cry. The weight of everything came crashing down on me.
Matthew isn’t my baby – he’s my second baby. And I don’t mean child – I mean “baby of the family”.
I’d already done this before: getting through the pre-school years and finally having all kids at school. Liana had been my first “baby of the family”. When I’d sent her to school 8 years ago, she’d been the last one at home and I was cheering the status of having “all children at school”.
And I mean cheering in a good way. As all mums know, it’s not a celebration of getting rid of your children. It’s a celebration of having survived those super difficult early childhood years – and I mean the fact that both you and your children have survived! It’s a massive milestone in the life of a mother, particularly if you kept your children home for large portion of that time.
But as Liana went off to school, God was writing a new chapter in my life. Not long after she started school Thomas came into my life, and then there was an engagement, a wedding, and after 2.5 years of having “all children at school”, there was Matthew – my second “baby of the family”.
There was no way I didn’t want to have another kid, but facing the prospect of doing the “pre-school Mum time” again was daunting. And 5.5 years felt like forever away.
The weight of all that was what came crashing down on me that day I left Matthew at school for his first day of kindy.
I’d made it – again. The time that I thought would never pass was now gone.
Two emotions roared within me:
- The sheer relief and gratitude of having made it.
- The sadness of knowing that precious time of my mother-journey was well and truly over.
The first emotion was the dominant one. I barely made it to my car before I was literally sobbing. I thanked the Lord for getting me through all of that again. And I thanked the Lord for being able to have time with Matthew at home before school, like I’d had with the girls.
It was different with Matthew than when I’d had the girls. In a lot of ways, harder. See, when you have two or more children close in age, growing up together, they play with each other, which gives you pockets of space to breath (yes I know, there’s also the squabbling!). When you’ve just got the one at home – you’re it.
So Matthew was in daycare and pre-school a little more often than the girls were, but we both needed that. And on our days at home together, I guarded them like a lion, particularly as we got closer to kindy.
I will miss our waffle-making morning teas, and our morning swims at the pool in summer – when everyone else is at school and it feels like we have the place to ourselves. But I’ve always made a point to embrace and enjoy the current season in all my kid’s lives, and each new season has it own specialness and fun (and difficulties, but that’s just life).
But cheers to me, my husband, and our children. And thanks to God for continually renewing our strength. I’m excited about watching Matthew grow and develop through his school years.
(Meanwhile, my oldest is now in Year 10, and that has a whole different set of emotions attached to it– but that’s a conversation for another time!)
